I have had a secret for about six/seven years now. It's hard for me to talk about the things that affect me, but I feel that it is time that I address it so that I can move forward.
When I was in my mid teens, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder (ED). I'd go weeks just calorie counting and barely eating. At one very low point, I was only getting in about 1000 calories a day. Then something would flip, and I'd binge. Id buy giant bars of chocolate, bags of sweets, and eat them really quickly. Then I'd feel awful, and stop eating again. It didn't help being put on medication that made me gain about two stone in the space of a year. I began to give up, thinking I could never shift it, that I would continue to be larger than I wanted to be.
I wish I could say that I'm entirely better now, that I don't do that any more. It's certainly been a struggle, especially trying to (healthily) lose weight. There are still times when I haven't had more than a couple of custard creams and several cups of herbal tea.
I recently was able to pinpoint exactly when I began to battle with food.
At 14/15, my mum, standing in my doorway, said "I'm not being funny, but are you pregnant? Or have you just put on weight?" It was one of the few things that really got to me. I was disgusted with myself, worried that everyone else was thinking that I was sexually active, that everyone else thought I was pregnant too. At 14/15 years old, the last thing you need to hear is that you look fat/pregnant.
I don't blame my mum. If you believe in star signs, you'll know that Aquarians - her sign - aren't known to be tactful. It was a tactless comment, but also one of concern for her daughter's health, I understand that. She was showing concern that I would put on weight that would lead me to being unwell, as any mother would. I blame myself for taking the route that I did, for believing that I needed to restrict my eating to one meal a day, for wanting to look like the slim, beautiful models in Shout magazine, and for not realising listening when people said that it was puppy fat. But the clue is in the name. It's an eating disorder, you're not exactly having normal thought processes.
At 14/15, my mum, standing in my doorway, said "I'm not being funny, but are you pregnant? Or have you just put on weight?" It was one of the few things that really got to me. I was disgusted with myself, worried that everyone else was thinking that I was sexually active, that everyone else thought I was pregnant too. At 14/15 years old, the last thing you need to hear is that you look fat/pregnant.
I don't blame my mum. If you believe in star signs, you'll know that Aquarians - her sign - aren't known to be tactful. It was a tactless comment, but also one of concern for her daughter's health, I understand that. She was showing concern that I would put on weight that would lead me to being unwell, as any mother would. I blame myself for taking the route that I did, for believing that I needed to restrict my eating to one meal a day, for wanting to look like the slim, beautiful models in Shout magazine, and for not realising listening when people said that it was puppy fat. But the clue is in the name. It's an eating disorder, you're not exactly having normal thought processes.
In the years since that diagnosis and my attempts at recovery, mostly on my own for I refuse to sit in doctors' offices more than I already do for other problems, it hasn't helped that strangers have taken it upon themselves to comment on my weight when I'm out, especially when I'm with my younger sister - who is taller and slimmer than I am. I don't see why my body size is their business at all. People have said that it shouldn't bother me, but my self esteem is not exactly 100%. But I'm working on it.
I am not alone in my struggle with food. One in four people suffer with a mental health problem in their lives, and it doesn't discriminate. A mental health problem, be it depression, an ED, anxiety etc, can strike anyone at any time, it doesn't care who you are.
The charity, B-Eat, dedicated to eating disorder help and information, states that in its report produced with PwC in February 2015, it was reported that 725,000 people in the UK were affected by an eating disorder, with onset ages between as young as 6 and as old as people in the 70s. It's heartbreaking, no matter at what age the affected person is, the effects of an eating disorder. It takes away confidence, the ability to socialise in fear of people judging your over/lack of appetite, and most importantly your health. ChildLine, in 2014, reported that the number of young people calling about eating disorders had risen by 110%. We are all, moreso in recent times, aware of the impact of eating disorders, in particular Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa. We are aware of the impact of often unattainable beauty standards in the media on people, especially young people.
I have battled, silently, for years. I am on my own road to recovery, of my own design. Although there are days where I struggle still to be positive about my body and about food, today I looked in the mirror and saw myself for the first time as a person - alive, fairly healthy, and for all intents and purposes, happy. I am one of the lucky ones, but not every is. Not everyone gets to look at an eating disorder and say "screw you". There are so many fatalities due to eating disorders, with anorexia causing the most deaths, according to Mind's report.
If we spot the signs earlier, help out those who may be having trouble with eating, maybe we can change that. Be that support for someone who may not have anyone supportive there for them. We all need a friend in dark times, let's make sure that that friend isn't an eating disorder whispering lies.
Here are some useful websites about eating disorders, with useful help for anyone who is themselves struggling with an eating disorder or wants advice for someone is:
Mind
ChildLine
B-Eat
NHS Choices
The charity, B-Eat, dedicated to eating disorder help and information, states that in its report produced with PwC in February 2015, it was reported that 725,000 people in the UK were affected by an eating disorder, with onset ages between as young as 6 and as old as people in the 70s. It's heartbreaking, no matter at what age the affected person is, the effects of an eating disorder. It takes away confidence, the ability to socialise in fear of people judging your over/lack of appetite, and most importantly your health. ChildLine, in 2014, reported that the number of young people calling about eating disorders had risen by 110%. We are all, moreso in recent times, aware of the impact of eating disorders, in particular Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa. We are aware of the impact of often unattainable beauty standards in the media on people, especially young people.
I have battled, silently, for years. I am on my own road to recovery, of my own design. Although there are days where I struggle still to be positive about my body and about food, today I looked in the mirror and saw myself for the first time as a person - alive, fairly healthy, and for all intents and purposes, happy. I am one of the lucky ones, but not every is. Not everyone gets to look at an eating disorder and say "screw you". There are so many fatalities due to eating disorders, with anorexia causing the most deaths, according to Mind's report.
If we spot the signs earlier, help out those who may be having trouble with eating, maybe we can change that. Be that support for someone who may not have anyone supportive there for them. We all need a friend in dark times, let's make sure that that friend isn't an eating disorder whispering lies.
Here are some useful websites about eating disorders, with useful help for anyone who is themselves struggling with an eating disorder or wants advice for someone is:
Mind
ChildLine
B-Eat
NHS Choices
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