Eating Disorders (Trigger Warning)

I have had a secret for about six/seven years now. It's hard for me to talk about the things that affect me, but I feel that it is time that I address it so that I can move forward. 

When I was in my mid teens, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder (ED). I'd go weeks just calorie counting and barely eating. At one very low point, I was only getting in about 1000 calories a day. Then something would flip, and I'd binge. Id buy giant bars of chocolate, bags of sweets, and eat them really quickly. Then I'd feel awful, and stop eating again. It didn't help being put on medication that made me gain about two stone in the space of a year. I began to give up, thinking I could never shift it, that I would continue to be larger than I wanted to be.

I wish I could say that I'm entirely better now, that I don't do that any more. It's certainly been a struggle, especially trying to (healthily) lose weight. There are still times when I haven't had more than a couple of custard creams and several cups of herbal tea. 

I recently was able to pinpoint exactly when I began to battle with food.
At 14/15, my mum, standing in my doorway, said "I'm not being funny, but are you pregnant? Or have you just put on weight?" It was one of the few things that really got to me. I was disgusted with myself, worried that everyone else was thinking that I was sexually active, that everyone else thought I was pregnant too. At 14/15 years old, the last thing you need to hear is that you look fat/pregnant.
I don't blame my mum. If you believe in star signs, you'll know that Aquarians - her sign - aren't known to be tactful. It was a tactless comment, but also one of concern for her daughter's health, I understand that. She was showing concern that I would put on weight that would lead me to being unwell, as any mother would. I blame myself for taking the route that I did, for believing that I needed to restrict my eating to one meal a day, for wanting to look like the slim, beautiful models in Shout magazine, and for not realising listening when people said that it was puppy fat. But the clue is in the name. It's an eating disorder, you're not exactly having normal thought processes.

In the years since that diagnosis and my attempts at recovery, mostly on my own for I refuse to sit in doctors' offices more than I already do for other problems, it hasn't helped that strangers have taken it upon themselves to comment on my weight when I'm out, especially when I'm with my younger sister - who is taller and slimmer than I am. I don't see why my body size is their business at all. People have said that it shouldn't bother me, but my self esteem is not exactly 100%. But I'm working on it. 

I am not alone in my struggle with food. One in four people suffer with a mental health problem in their lives, and it doesn't discriminate. A mental health problem, be it depression, an ED, anxiety etc, can strike anyone at any time, it doesn't care who you are.
The charity, B-Eat, dedicated to eating disorder help and information, states that in its report produced with PwC in February 2015, it was reported that 725,000 people in the UK were affected by an eating disorder, with onset ages between as young as 6 and as old as people in the 70s. It's heartbreaking, no matter at what age the affected person is, the effects of an eating disorder. It takes away confidence, the ability to socialise in fear of people judging your over/lack of appetite, and most importantly your health. ChildLine, in 2014, reported that the number of young people calling about eating disorders had risen by 110%. We are all, moreso in recent times, aware of the impact of eating disorders, in particular Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa. We are aware of the impact of often unattainable beauty standards in the media on people, especially young people.

I have battled, silently, for years. I am on my own road to recovery, of my own design. Although there are days where I struggle still to be positive about my body and about food, today I looked in the mirror and saw myself for the first time as a person - alive, fairly healthy, and for all intents and purposes, happy. I am one of the lucky ones, but not every is. Not everyone gets to look at an eating disorder and say "screw you". There are so many fatalities due to eating disorders, with anorexia causing the most deaths, according to Mind's report.

If we spot the signs earlier, help out those who may be having trouble with eating, maybe we can change that. Be that support for someone who may not have anyone supportive there for them. We all need a friend in dark times, let's make sure that that friend isn't an eating disorder whispering lies.


Here are some useful websites about eating disorders, with useful help for anyone who is themselves struggling with an eating disorder or wants advice for someone is:

Mind
ChildLine
B-Eat
NHS Choices

The Friendzone

We've all had experiences of it. Being told by a crush that "you're a really great friend", "Oh, I only see you as a friend, you know that right?", "I'd totally date someone like you." Worse yet, we may have said those words to someone, knowing that it could break them when they've clearly put themselves on the line to tell you how they feel.

So why the sudden trend in 'friendzone' Vines and memes on the internet, and most commonly, the degrading of females that turn guys down?

This obsession with the imaginary concept of the 'friendzone' is bizarre, and damaging.

I've been turned down by guys I've liked, and it isn't pleasant, knowing that you have either subtly or overtly made your intentions towards this person clear and they are oblivious or maintain/establish the boundaries of friendship. I've also done it to people myself. Conversely to popular belief, I didn't do it because I thought I was too good, or because I didn't like the people I put in the 'friendzone', or because I intentionally led them on. 

Actually, on one of the occasions that I 'friendzoned' someone, I cried afterwards. 

Although it's tempting to condemn those to turn us down when our romantic ventures are rebuffed, it's not a healthy practice. There are a multitude of reasons why someone might decline when you try to change the definition of your relationship from platonic to romantic. They may not be in the headspace for a relationship, they may have other personal issues affecting them that they feel might affect a relationship, they may be afraid of opening up. Or, they may just not fancy you, and that's perfectly okay too. The object of your affection is not obliged to give you their time, just because you like them. To expect that of them is unfair. 

That's what bothers me with people complaining about the 'friendzone' on social media. It's their sense of entitlement, the arrogance of feeling like they should get their way. From what I've seen myself, this is mainly perpetuated by guys, who seem to propagate this image that women who turn them down are heartless and bitchy. 

While it may be true that in some cases, the manner in which someone states they are only looking for a friend can be cold; and that some people are aware that someone likes them and give them mixed messages, this isn't the case for everyone. 

Being turned down by someone you're interested in will never be easy. It is easy to condemn them and become vindictive, but it is a choice. One that doesn't help anyone and only serves to perpetuate negative stereotypes of both genders. Not everyone is obliged to return our romantic advances, and sometimes you have to go through a couple of rejections to find a gem. And sometimes, just sometimes, there comes a time where both people are open to shifting the definition of a relationship from platonic to romantic. But if you condemn them for their choice, one risks not only never having a romantic relationship with their crush, but also risks losing the platonic one that caused the original emotions to develop.

Why I Rant In The First Place

When I was seven, I promptly announced to my Mum, "The world's gone mad". Roughly fourteen years later, I still maintain that sentiment, thought I definitely don't express it in those words nearly as much as I did growing up.

I've always been appalled by the wrong things that are around us. Sadly - for me - I get equally irate at minor, everyday injustices and bigger, worldwide atrocities. I'm known for taking to Facebook to rant, quite a lot, about things that I don't think are right. Mostly it's about the everyday things like discrimination, girls' rights and equality; sometimes it's about something larger. 

As much as I love sharing my opinions on Facebook, I've decided to move it off my personal account and onto a blog. Not because anyone has forced me to, not because friends are fed up of hearing me rant (though they secretly might be), but because I hope I can reach more people this way. 

I don't write about things I think are wrong because I want to. 

I write because I feel I have to. I feel I have a duty, an obligation, to tell people my opinion. Because if it changes just one person's mind and they form an opinion of their own, and in turn spark a chain of changes, one person at a time, that would make me very happy indeed.