What It Means To Be Me

Too many people have tried to shape me, I have had to dumb down aspects of myself to please others, been subjected to often insidious and almost invisible control. And I'm so done with it all. I want to be myself. For the longest while I've not been too sure who that is, or what that means, but by the time I'm done with this rant, I think I'll have found out.

I am me. I am short, mixed race, intelligent, creative, bad tempered, loving, crazy, thoughtful, broke, dedicated, bilingual, lazy, lactose intolerant, occasionally vegetarian, weird, geeky, focused, anxious and scared, hypersensitive, hypermobile, clumsy, creative, eloquent, conscientious, moody, passionate, brave, irrational, logical, travel-loving, pedantic, dense, a bit curvy, reliable, bisexual but not bi-romantic, graceful but not always lady-like, grungy yet preppy in style, and positively besotted with my family. I find it hard to trust and hard to love, but when I do I trust completely and love completely.

Now, in the past two years I've experienced a breakup with the only person I've ever loved, seen my parents split, watched my sister go through an emotionally abusive relationship, I've seen my Mum in and out of hospital for chest problems, I've been subject to derogatory comments, backstabbing and physical abuse from people that I once considered friends, I've had hospital visits and in-patient stays, I've seen my grades slip here and there, I've had to start therapy. I've been absolutely broke and had to borrow money just to be able to eat some days.

But I'll be dammed if I didn't say that I'm stronger now.

In spite of all that I've been through, I am now physically, emotionally and mentally stronger. I've learned to drop the people around me that make me feel as though I am worth nothing. I've learned to shut certain people out when necessary in order to be my best at university. I've made the decision to get help and start becoming the string young woman that I know I can be. I'm learning to stop being ashamed of my hobbies and interests, for they are what makes me interesting. I've seen my family reunite, seem my grades improve again, seen my health improve and seen my perception of myself change positively.

I no longer care about being lonely, because I have learned that it is better to be alone by yourself and confident with who you are than to feel lonely in other people's company.

And although my hear still aches to have my relationship restored and to feel loved by the person I love, I know that I cannot hope to change them and change their mind. I can only be a better person for myself, and it is a bonus if anyone else notices the changes in me.

I do not want my negative experiences to hinder me anymore. I want to be able to say I graduated from my university with a First, I want to say that I have let university and my life experiences shape me for the better. I want to remember that I am always worth loving and that I do deserve to be treated with respect, patience and kindness. I want to look in the mirror and love the person that I see in the reflection.

And I know that I can do it. Anyone that says, or makes me feel, otherwise is not a friend to me. But I am not defined by people's faith in me. I am defined by my belief in myself and my own capabilities. Anything else is a bonus.

So there. I am me. I am my quirks, qualities, flaws, and my skills. I am not anyone's puppet, anyone's doormat, nor anyone's interim/substitute until something 'better' comes along. I am impeccable and remarkable in spite of my flaws. I am Rhianna and I finally understand what it means to be me.