Why It Is Imperative to Love Yourself Before You Love Someone Else

I've never understood why people say "to accept love from someone else, you must first love yourself". Before, that seems utterly silly and a little conceited. Loving yourself - in my eyes - seems to connote being vain, having really high standards, and that you didn't need to rely on anyone else because you were better than others on your own. But as I've gotten older and more mature, and have had relationships and bad friends who have tried to crush my spirit; I finally understand what it truly means to love yourself.

To love yourself means to be pleased of all your achievements and to keep aspiring and working towards great things. But it also means owning - and moving on from - all your negative experiences too. By holding on to past hurts, we are more likely to keep track of recent hurts and lump them all together. As my mum would say, "Take your test and turn it into a TESTIMONY".

Loving yourself means taking care of yourself and accepting your great features and qualities. Investing the time to feel presentable, developing your hobbies, indulging and pampering ourselves from time to time.

Equally, it means looking at your quirks and not-so-great habits, working out the ones you can change, and accepting the things that quintessentially make you the individual that you are. It means forgiving ourselves for the things we've done wrong. We cannot hope to tolerate someone else's annoying habits or quirks if we don't accept our own, and we cannot hope to forgive someone else's transgressions fully if we do not forgive ourselves for our own transgressions.

It means being comfortable on your own. Learning to love your own company and the time we devote to doing the things we love. Because we cannot hope to appreciate the serenity and preciousness of being in someone else's presence if we can't stand being on our own. Because someone sharing their down-time with you is an incredibly precious thing, because that is when they're most themselves and often most vulnerable. And the trust that that demonstrates is incredible. So become comfortable with your own company so you can better appreciate someone else's.

It means dropping the people that make you feel like less than. Those people that tell you either through their actions or words that you are not good enough. Those people that think that controlling you, hitting you, or making derogatory comments is okay. It is not okay. And you are more than good enough. Even if it means you are alone, it is better to be alone than to feel criticised and lonely in someone else's presence, right?

It means getting the help you need, instead of being proud or thinking that you can always do it on your own. Even if that means medication, therapy, rehab, academic help, financial help - it is worth it. And when you accept that you can't always and don't always have to do things alone, you'll be more open to allowing someone you love to help you.

And then, and I think only then, can you appreciate the love from anyone else.

What It Means To Be Me

Too many people have tried to shape me, I have had to dumb down aspects of myself to please others, been subjected to often insidious and almost invisible control. And I'm so done with it all. I want to be myself. For the longest while I've not been too sure who that is, or what that means, but by the time I'm done with this rant, I think I'll have found out.

I am me. I am short, mixed race, intelligent, creative, bad tempered, loving, crazy, thoughtful, broke, dedicated, bilingual, lazy, lactose intolerant, occasionally vegetarian, weird, geeky, focused, anxious and scared, hypersensitive, hypermobile, clumsy, creative, eloquent, conscientious, moody, passionate, brave, irrational, logical, travel-loving, pedantic, dense, a bit curvy, reliable, bisexual but not bi-romantic, graceful but not always lady-like, grungy yet preppy in style, and positively besotted with my family. I find it hard to trust and hard to love, but when I do I trust completely and love completely.

Now, in the past two years I've experienced a breakup with the only person I've ever loved, seen my parents split, watched my sister go through an emotionally abusive relationship, I've seen my Mum in and out of hospital for chest problems, I've been subject to derogatory comments, backstabbing and physical abuse from people that I once considered friends, I've had hospital visits and in-patient stays, I've seen my grades slip here and there, I've had to start therapy. I've been absolutely broke and had to borrow money just to be able to eat some days.

But I'll be dammed if I didn't say that I'm stronger now.

In spite of all that I've been through, I am now physically, emotionally and mentally stronger. I've learned to drop the people around me that make me feel as though I am worth nothing. I've learned to shut certain people out when necessary in order to be my best at university. I've made the decision to get help and start becoming the string young woman that I know I can be. I'm learning to stop being ashamed of my hobbies and interests, for they are what makes me interesting. I've seen my family reunite, seem my grades improve again, seen my health improve and seen my perception of myself change positively.

I no longer care about being lonely, because I have learned that it is better to be alone by yourself and confident with who you are than to feel lonely in other people's company.

And although my hear still aches to have my relationship restored and to feel loved by the person I love, I know that I cannot hope to change them and change their mind. I can only be a better person for myself, and it is a bonus if anyone else notices the changes in me.

I do not want my negative experiences to hinder me anymore. I want to be able to say I graduated from my university with a First, I want to say that I have let university and my life experiences shape me for the better. I want to remember that I am always worth loving and that I do deserve to be treated with respect, patience and kindness. I want to look in the mirror and love the person that I see in the reflection.

And I know that I can do it. Anyone that says, or makes me feel, otherwise is not a friend to me. But I am not defined by people's faith in me. I am defined by my belief in myself and my own capabilities. Anything else is a bonus.

So there. I am me. I am my quirks, qualities, flaws, and my skills. I am not anyone's puppet, anyone's doormat, nor anyone's interim/substitute until something 'better' comes along. I am impeccable and remarkable in spite of my flaws. I am Rhianna and I finally understand what it means to be me.